Dissatisfaction

I was recently in India for three months.. Such a beautiful place, yet I was not completely happy.. Because... well.. Long story... something has been in my heart causing a huge turbulence in my mind. So I thought that when I'd be back home everything would be better.. I would have my old friends, i would be home, and things like that... However now that I am home, i have this huge gap in me, feeling like there is something missing even here.. I can't find it anywhere.. It's annoying, cuz.. it's endless.. It feels like this urge for satisfaction is the driving force for my actions.. I miss everything about the past.. Some time ago i was happy, but it's just 'fleeting' happiness i guess.. And then i get all motivated to get on, but somehow it feels like i just get pulled back down. I wish I could get out of this endless cycle of trying to satisfy my desires and stuff, yet although i wish it so much, i also wish to get my wants and needs fulfilled. so it's both ways.. haha.

The Child-Angel by Rabindranath Tagore

"They clamour and fight, they doubt and despair, they know no end to their wrangling. Let your life come amongst them like a flame of light, my child, unflickering and pure, and delight them into silence.They are cruel in their greed and their envy, their words are like hidden knives thirsting for blood. Go and stand amidst their scowling hearts, my child, and let your gentle eyes fall upon them like the forgiving peace of the evening over the strife of the day. Let them see your face, my child, and thus know the meaning of all things; let them love you and thus love each other. Come and take your seat in the bosom of the limitless, my child. At sunrise open and raise your heart like a blossoming flower, and at sunset bend your head and in silence complete the worship of the day."

Hoping against hope

Sometimes it is quite inevitable to fall into this endless pit of despair thinking about things which could've been or which could've been avoided. Hoping against hope seemed to me to be the best title to be applied to my day today. It's funny how I hope sometimes to receive what I want, yet I know deep within that it will never happen. So why do I still hope for it. It seems to be just an utter waste of my time, thinking of what could've been. But then again sometimes just hoping for something even though you know it won't materialize seems to give a spark of life to the daily bothers. I guess sometimes to hope against hope has some of its pros and cons, it depends what you hope for and how you do it blablabla.. haha..

Being my stubborn self

Did you ever have that feeling where you're wrong, but you refuse to admit it? Not only to others but also to yourself? you bring yourself in this big illusion that everything you did in that situation were the right decisions.. but hey, guess what? ehh.. you're wrong. Gosh.. It's so hard to face reality sometimes. And at those times we want to make it softer by just saying that it was what the situation compelled to occur. It's like saying when you fell, that you attacked the floor. Who'll actually believe it? you can fool others to some extent, you can fool yourself to a certain extent too, but ultimately the truth will surface, and we'll have to face it. We are always encouraged to stand up and face the truth like a person with dignity, but ow it's so hard. Yet, it shall be rewarding. I think.. hehe..

I am happy!.. I am happy?... Am I?

It's funny how once the sadness is there in our hearts, there is no way to forget anything. We try and try, but ultimately it's there, no matter how we turn. I wish it was the same with happiness, but somehow or the other, sadness is becoming a normal status of the average person, and if they're lucky, then only are they happy. I guess that's why we all search for something that will grant us eternal happiness, and no return to our miserable state from before. Searching for something which would make us eternally happy.. I guess just being in that search already creates some kind of joy in the heart, because you're doing something which will make you happy.. Haha!.. confusing thought..

 

Gratifying the senses...

Although I am not that much in my sorrow mood, I still don't feel the urge to cook nice things or buy nice things to eat. I searched for it on the internet, to see what the reason could be for this. I found a very interesting explanation to my condition.. It said that generally we consider eating a pleasurable thing, and we eat generally because we want to gratify our senses, in this case the tongue especially. Some people when they are not content and feel as if there is a big gap in their life, do not feel any impetus to gratify the senses, or doing anything pleasurable. And some are just the opposite, they try to fill this gap inside of them by eating as much as they can. I have noticed that with some people actually. When some of my friends feel down, they just eat as much as they can, and apparently they feel better. I on the other hand, only feel more more guilty so to say. It's strange that I say guilty, but that's kind of how I feel when I want to take something tasty, which I do not HAVE to eat. Lately that's how I feel.. "Good humor is the health of the soul, sadness is its poison." ~Lord Chesterfield. I guess because of my down-period I have somehow accumulated so much sadness, that it in a certain sense poisoned my appetite.. However on the other hand there is another beautiful quote "Let your tears come. Let them water your soul." ~Eileen Mayhew. This kind of correlates to one of the previous posts I wrote, about the space one needs in order to work with their sorrow.. I guess it's both.. As Albert Einstein also said "Life is like a bicycle, to keep our balance we have to keep on moving". I love that quote. Everything that is considered perfect, is in balance with everything.. Just think about it. :)

Standing up for myself..

This morning I was just thinking how it seems as if  I have dual personality disorder. When one part of me becomes too depressed, another part comes up as a reflex. Kind of a defense mechanism. It's funny, because you feel protected, yet hurt at the same time. However it feels like someone, except for the people around you is actually taking care of you, in the way that is needed.. space is definitely a must, when someone's down. When you go over the stage of needing your own space, then one grows to the next level, and that's rejuvenating one self. Just becoming extra hyper, and extra jolly, is a way of balancing out the depressive inner feeling. However, it still feels empty inside. I reckon its like my body is just hoping that it will fill up over time. Like the biggest joy is pulled out of our life, and in order to fill it back up, we take each tiny happy moment. It for sure takes time, but we don't have another choice, unless you want to walk around like a zombie the whole day.

""Today, many will break through the barriers of the past by looking at the blessings of the present. Why not you?" ~ Steve Maraboli

The Art of Drawing

Sadness is definitely a great impetus to the talents of an artist. "Every artist dips his brush in his own soul, and paints his own nature into his pictures" ~ Henry Ward Beecher. True. You can just see the different nature of different people, according to what their arts produce. I love also what Pablo Picasso said about painting. "Painting is just another way of keeping a diary". Sometimes we keep diaries, and we're just afraid someone might read them. The beautiful thing for artists is that they hide their words in the lines of their art. "Painting is poetry that is seen rather than felt, and poetry is painting that is felt rather than seen."  ~Leonardo da Vinci. Although I don't paint, I draw, these are still applicable to any type of art you do. Because as Amy Lowell said: "Art is the desire of a man to express himself, to record the reactions of his personality to the world he lives in." And also famous painter Igor Babailov has said: "Even when you paint, you never stop drawing." The thought I live in today. 

Just funny thoughts i found

There are no stupid questions...but sometimes stupid answers.

Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

Talk to you all night, die from lack of sleep next day..worth every minute

Staring at the kid who finished the test first as if he just climbed Mount Everest

Whoa... I stood up too fast.

it's only in the black of the night you can see the stars.

I wouldn't have to be such a smartass if you weren't such a dumbass.

returning to school after the summer only to find that I have forgotten how to write.

I could really use a wish right now...

I hate being second to those I put first.

Awkward moment when you say bye to someone but end up walking the same way.

I'm not ignoring you, I'm waiting to see if you'll make the effort... for once!

you dont like me?, oh boohoo, what makes you think i like you

My level of sarcasm is in proportion to your level of stupidity.

Hate is a strong word, but love is tossed around like nothing.

Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupidity

The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything they have.

It's sad how most people become who they promised they'd never be.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police

Sometimes there is no next time, no time outs, no second chances. Sometimes it's now or never.

LOL i'm good at keeping secrets because i forget them.

i'm not weird. i'm limited edition.

I wish I was little again, when the hardest choice was picking a crayon.

When we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours we fall in love.

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.

what goes around, comes around.. and I CAN'T WAIT TIL IT COMES YOUR WAY!!!

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it

If you want to feel rich, just count all of the things you have that money can't buy.

ARE YOU SERIOUS??...yea, i saw it on Facebook...

not wanting to go to sleep........ then not wanting to get up

I hate it when people add you, then ask who you are.

Sometimes your knight in shining armor is just a retard in tin foil

you remind me of a penny , beacuse ur two faced and worthless (:

The older I get The more I don't care if I fit in with everyone else.

Fear leads to....

A thought crossed my mind. Something I heard. "Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering." ~ Yoda. Yeah it looks funny that I quote Yoda, but it's definitely a true statement. If you think about it properly, it's very unnatural to hate anyone. Because just think about it. When you hate a person, you feel so uncomfortable, so it's not a natural thing. And we all want to stop our suffering. So how do we do this? Attack the root-cause, side-kick here, roundhouse kick there, and the final punch. Boo-yeah!.. haha.. 

Yeah, I wish it was as easy as attacking a physically alive entity. But it's not. Anger is so subtle, and in order to attack it, we have to do it subtly too I reckon. Humility could be seen as one of the ways of subtly attacking the anger, but, till when can we keep it up. Society is so polluted that they'll just take advantage of those who are humble, only when they die, are their pure qualities truly appreciated. Gosh, do you really have to wait until they die? Did you ever have the experience that you did something, and then when you see someone else doing the same, only then you notice their struggles, or other attempts? you know right? Well, that's how it is. no? We should at least try to be humble and attack the subtle anger, and then you never know, you might meet someone who also has the same struggles as you. That's the whole thing about all those blog sites.. We feel that if we share our pain or frustrations, they might somehow lessen.. Maybe it's true.. that's why we have the phenomena 'friends' .. but till when can you rely on that. Be a friend to yourself.. Maybe that'll work.. :).. Be proud of you, what your parents or friends were supposed to be for you. Love yourself, how others would do for you. Because ultimately we love something deeper inside.. Much deeper than just a body.. Deeper than just a heart. If we were able to attack anger.. Fear still lies there.. As the root root cause. That root will be destroyed by the love we give to the One deeper embedded in us than our hearts.. 

Pondering..

It almost seems as if I am so sad, that my own dreams are starting to want to cheer me up. Ultimate reflex to that is not wanting to wake up to the bitter "now" which is the actual reality. Marsha Norman said: "Dreams are illustrations... from the book your soul is writing about you." The book my soul is writing about me seems to be just a fairy tale. Sometimes that can be unhealthy isn't it? "I am accustomed to sleep and in my dreams to imagine the same things that lunatics imagine when awake." ~Rene Descartes. Who is the real lunatic then? One who suppresses their loony-ness or one who expresses it? A food for thought I guess..

So what is then the reality? The dream I wish to be in, or the "now" which I want to escape? The actuality is what we chose I guess. I reckon this is the philosophy behind it. Even though we might not want to accept something, we still have to live with it. It's better to be insane in our dreams than to be a loon in reality.

End or Beginning?

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” Alexander Graham Bell

This quote made me ponder about how many times one actually ends up in a ditch because we keep on looking behind us. We don't notice the slippery slopes in front of us and thus we get ourselves in other problems. And that is also the same with good

opportunities. Sometimes we are so entangled with the unsuccessful ending of the first that we don't see the next good opportunity that lies ahead of us, and eventually we keep on missing these opportunities.

I guess the important lesson to learn therefrom is that we should be able to act detached towards our feelings of the past, because we can't change the past anyhow... So we should be detached and look forward to our next opportunities to show that we are worthy of getting these opportunities, and we are not one of those people who just sit while the opportunities pass them by.

What DO I want?!

Amazing things happen to us when we want them to happen, but who would have ever thought of the severe outcomes or reactions we would get. Watch for what you pray.. You don't want to put your loved ones in danger. Very important when we wish for things is that you wish for something without being selfish, only then can you actually attain real happiness... And then best is when you wish for someone else's happiness. Have you ever done that? Well do it quick if you didn't.. ;)

Dilemmas

Dilemmas are the cause of so many conflicts in the world. I mean honestly, you just get confused and ultimately frustrated, which leads to being angry. But the curious thing is that sometimes you actually prefer a dilemma over other situations. Strange world innit? I am in a particular dilemma myself. What to do? I like a thing very much, but it is next to impossible for me to attain it, thus it seems hopeless to even have any dreams about it happening. Yet it is a boring world if we would just give up trying, even though it might seem an inevitable failure. So I guess keep on trying is the best thing I can do, or at least keep on being happy and don't expect too much out of a situation. Although a dilemma is generally seen to be a negative experience, I definitely see it as my fortune to be in it!

Questions and Answers... And other stuff..

I like to think of myself to be a reasonable person. Not too buff, not too smart and so on.. However sometimes the world tends to turn differently then what I expect it too. Well, the reason for that is that I am not even in charge of giving the "turn" to the world, if you know what I mean.. The higher power definitely jumps in from time to time to show you how wrong you actually are, and sometimes even how right. But that's not the issue here. I doubted if I am the kind of person who is easily in the "likeable" category, but God intended otherwise I guess.. He wanted me to have the hugest impression of myself.. Very confusing no? I think so too.. :P God.. ahh that's an interesting topic and I think a topic to even separately talk about. I mean a self-sentient being in charge of my actions? Not only mine but all the people of my community, of my country, of my...... and so on.. And then to define who "me" is??? GOSH!! hahaha.. You need to really take a chair, a hot cup of tea (with lots of honey) and just think about your real identity.. Whom do you actually refer to when saying "I", "me", "mine"? To this body composed of several elements? Or to something far beyond our conception, mostly referred to as the soul? Even that simple concept of who "I" am, is something which the whole world is discussing since time immemorial. In the ancient Indian scriptures it is said "Tat tvam asi" = that art thou.. OK! Thanks, I am that! Who are we? Some say we're god, some say we have him in us. Ok, let's take it for real that we're god.. Then why do we suffer? oof oof.. such a difficult subject. Well we suffer because.. uhh, the soul fell into illusion.. EXCUSE ME? We're god, yet we fell into illusion? Isn't the very definition of God to be all-powerful and so on and so on? Then how can god fall into illusion??? Well.. because.. I dunnow? Ok.. Other concept then, we have god in us. We're getting to a more acceptable theory. God is in us... Why does he let us suffer? Well, he doesn't, we are suffering because of the choices we make. Why are those choices even there, if it's going to make us suffer? Why did he create those choices? Because... the living entities have a free will, and in order to have free will, we should be able to differentiate between certain things, and what is more basic to differentiate then good and evil? Point taken? or still unclear? I don't think so!

A Common Mistake

A fault we often make is to forget to actually apply lessons that we learn. I was just in a class which was about the avoidance of actually blaming each other, and looking at others faults. Just afterwards however a girl started criticizing one of my friends. I mean, you just learned about something.. isn't it logical to try to apply it? Well, on the other hand why should I complain I mean, then I wouldn't be better off than her.. I guess it's because I wanted to learn something from it. To learn doesn't simply mean to only hear and trying to understand even. To learn is to understand and thereafter apply. What's the use of learning something which does not help one in his/her life? As Abbe Dimnet said in his Art of Thinking: "Children have to be educated, but they have also to be left to educate themselves.".. This of course does not only apply to children, but actually to people in general. One only learnt something when he has learned to apply it in his life. :)

A New Beginning

Sometimes I think that my life is intended for something entirely different.. and then on the other hand how do I really know? Yet we all plan and think we have a goal, and that we'll actually reach there, someway or the other. I just took the decision to really dedicate myself to one certain aspect of my life, and that for sure shall never change. Sometimes I think it is a too big of a step for me, especially now at my age, yet I know that I am right. Isn't it funny how we can decide things like this? We all know that our life is intended for something and I think mine is definitely for this purpose.

I was just thinking yesterday when I had a cup of tea. I told my mother that the tea was just perfect to drink, it was not too cold and not too hot. Funny no? I just actually stumbled upon a very big philosophical point. "What does man think to be perfect?" That which is in balance (e.g. not too hot and not too cold). Yet we always tend to go to extremes. I have a friend and he was in a big fix. The authorities were telling him to go from one extreme to the other.. However, when he did that, it became apparent that going from one extreme to the other does not solve anything. I told him that the only way to come to an agreement, it doesn't have to be a solution, rather a collaboration, is when you make a balance in things. Just a thought for the day I guess...