Dissatisfaction

I was recently in India for three months.. Such a beautiful place, yet I was not completely happy.. Because... well.. Long story... something has been in my heart causing a huge turbulence in my mind. So I thought that when I'd be back home everything would be better.. I would have my old friends, i would be home, and things like that... However now that I am home, i have this huge gap in me, feeling like there is something missing even here.. I can't find it anywhere.. It's annoying, cuz.. it's endless.. It feels like this urge for satisfaction is the driving force for my actions.. I miss everything about the past.. Some time ago i was happy, but it's just 'fleeting' happiness i guess.. And then i get all motivated to get on, but somehow it feels like i just get pulled back down. I wish I could get out of this endless cycle of trying to satisfy my desires and stuff, yet although i wish it so much, i also wish to get my wants and needs fulfilled. so it's both ways.. haha.

The Child-Angel by Rabindranath Tagore

"They clamour and fight, they doubt and despair, they know no end to their wrangling. Let your life come amongst them like a flame of light, my child, unflickering and pure, and delight them into silence.They are cruel in their greed and their envy, their words are like hidden knives thirsting for blood. Go and stand amidst their scowling hearts, my child, and let your gentle eyes fall upon them like the forgiving peace of the evening over the strife of the day. Let them see your face, my child, and thus know the meaning of all things; let them love you and thus love each other. Come and take your seat in the bosom of the limitless, my child. At sunrise open and raise your heart like a blossoming flower, and at sunset bend your head and in silence complete the worship of the day."

Hoping against hope

Sometimes it is quite inevitable to fall into this endless pit of despair thinking about things which could've been or which could've been avoided. Hoping against hope seemed to me to be the best title to be applied to my day today. It's funny how I hope sometimes to receive what I want, yet I know deep within that it will never happen. So why do I still hope for it. It seems to be just an utter waste of my time, thinking of what could've been. But then again sometimes just hoping for something even though you know it won't materialize seems to give a spark of life to the daily bothers. I guess sometimes to hope against hope has some of its pros and cons, it depends what you hope for and how you do it blablabla.. haha..

Being my stubborn self

Did you ever have that feeling where you're wrong, but you refuse to admit it? Not only to others but also to yourself? you bring yourself in this big illusion that everything you did in that situation were the right decisions.. but hey, guess what? ehh.. you're wrong. Gosh.. It's so hard to face reality sometimes. And at those times we want to make it softer by just saying that it was what the situation compelled to occur. It's like saying when you fell, that you attacked the floor. Who'll actually believe it? you can fool others to some extent, you can fool yourself to a certain extent too, but ultimately the truth will surface, and we'll have to face it. We are always encouraged to stand up and face the truth like a person with dignity, but ow it's so hard. Yet, it shall be rewarding. I think.. hehe..

I am happy!.. I am happy?... Am I?

It's funny how once the sadness is there in our hearts, there is no way to forget anything. We try and try, but ultimately it's there, no matter how we turn. I wish it was the same with happiness, but somehow or the other, sadness is becoming a normal status of the average person, and if they're lucky, then only are they happy. I guess that's why we all search for something that will grant us eternal happiness, and no return to our miserable state from before. Searching for something which would make us eternally happy.. I guess just being in that search already creates some kind of joy in the heart, because you're doing something which will make you happy.. Haha!.. confusing thought..

 

Gratifying the senses...

Although I am not that much in my sorrow mood, I still don't feel the urge to cook nice things or buy nice things to eat. I searched for it on the internet, to see what the reason could be for this. I found a very interesting explanation to my condition.. It said that generally we consider eating a pleasurable thing, and we eat generally because we want to gratify our senses, in this case the tongue especially. Some people when they are not content and feel as if there is a big gap in their life, do not feel any impetus to gratify the senses, or doing anything pleasurable. And some are just the opposite, they try to fill this gap inside of them by eating as much as they can. I have noticed that with some people actually. When some of my friends feel down, they just eat as much as they can, and apparently they feel better. I on the other hand, only feel more more guilty so to say. It's strange that I say guilty, but that's kind of how I feel when I want to take something tasty, which I do not HAVE to eat. Lately that's how I feel.. "Good humor is the health of the soul, sadness is its poison." ~Lord Chesterfield. I guess because of my down-period I have somehow accumulated so much sadness, that it in a certain sense poisoned my appetite.. However on the other hand there is another beautiful quote "Let your tears come. Let them water your soul." ~Eileen Mayhew. This kind of correlates to one of the previous posts I wrote, about the space one needs in order to work with their sorrow.. I guess it's both.. As Albert Einstein also said "Life is like a bicycle, to keep our balance we have to keep on moving". I love that quote. Everything that is considered perfect, is in balance with everything.. Just think about it. :)

Standing up for myself..

This morning I was just thinking how it seems as if  I have dual personality disorder. When one part of me becomes too depressed, another part comes up as a reflex. Kind of a defense mechanism. It's funny, because you feel protected, yet hurt at the same time. However it feels like someone, except for the people around you is actually taking care of you, in the way that is needed.. space is definitely a must, when someone's down. When you go over the stage of needing your own space, then one grows to the next level, and that's rejuvenating one self. Just becoming extra hyper, and extra jolly, is a way of balancing out the depressive inner feeling. However, it still feels empty inside. I reckon its like my body is just hoping that it will fill up over time. Like the biggest joy is pulled out of our life, and in order to fill it back up, we take each tiny happy moment. It for sure takes time, but we don't have another choice, unless you want to walk around like a zombie the whole day.

""Today, many will break through the barriers of the past by looking at the blessings of the present. Why not you?" ~ Steve Maraboli